I can fail again.

I can’t sleep on a Saturday morning which can be caused by one or more reasons. I cannot help but think of the possible alternative twist I am about to embark myself into. It can happen now or later which does not matter but it will spark an outcome that I may need to be even more hardworking. On one hand the fear of the unknown of you fail you fail but on the other the excitement of freedom and personal control.

Fear in the removal of comfort in form of benefits and security. The fear that scares every one of us that is about to make that leap. The very fear I once had in Melbourne where I sat in this café in Box Hill, thinking about what to do. Certainly I didn’t think very far and that was why I ended up where I am right now. It is hard though without the mentor to plant the options for me to choose. Even that so, no one would have walked up to me then and said;

“You are about to fuck it up if you decide to step into the fire. It will bring you to disillusionment for the next 8 years where you leave yourself little choice but to take it all on your own. After graduate, you will get a job. Java is going to be hot, web also. Google is going to be very famous and so goes for yahoo. MP3 is a common thing. Buy Maybank & Tenaga shares and treat it like your savings. Don’t worry about the IBM Sydney job interview because you will get to work with IBM one day. You will drive a continental car. Noriko was there for you to score, just take it. Despite health problems, smoking isn’t bad but not to worry you will quit one day.”

I guess it was never meant to be like this but it is. Reality is that no one can tell me the future. Even though someone had, the decision may have created a whole new different reality.

However, in that same café, I had this mixed feeling of excitement because of the very thought that anything is possible. I was free to choose at 20 and was not bogged down by weight. I promised then that I would return there to live and work and I sure hope I make it up to the promise. Evidently, I am already late. In fact 3 years delayed.

Guess this is it and time to move on. As I once said to this girl Ginny in Brisbane, “The cycle continues. Who knows one day our path may meet again?” Just in case of misunderstanding, the subject I am mentioning in this entry is not about MondayBluer