As my phone rang

Miss Lundi Plus bleu called and started a thought in my mind. Is it already here? It as in the age of computer. Not touchin or using computer nowadays its like not taking a bath/eat in a day. I spend like at least 10 to 18 hours facing the computer with internet access a day. Without realizing reality that this has been happening for several years. Ok. Here is a list of activities we perform with computer + internet.

Games, email, chatting with friends and colleagues using descriptive texts like 'hahahah', ttyl, brb, etc..., download porn torrents, download tv series torrent, watch downloaded stuff and of course work. I think that is all in a day's work. How lovely without having to look a person's ugly face and trying to understand his / her signals or tone of language. The world is so perfect. What is the point here? Did we forget again the point of technology? Is technology isolating human from becoming human? Is it easier to chat than to talk face to face? Consciously do we understand what is happening?

Bottomline, I finally see the tragic and effects of what my profession has done to me. Fucking hell.

A 45 minute taxi ride.

Like every other Monday morning, my taxi ride was smooth sailing and hiponotic. I had this tendency to stare at the emergency lane's line as we (taxi driver & me) cruises at an average of 120kph. My mind started to wander from shop dot com to the wonders / possibilities of a recording device that can type out my thoughts. Drafting out my thoughts as I go. Reason behind this is because I tend to forget any topic very quickly. It may be biologically / health related - STM. Perhaps it could be me not making enough effort to remember. Hmm?

[My well tortured T68 rings!!]

Did we just forget?

Many of times, my relationships gets too dragy to some point that we forget exactly how it felt like when it all began. Some said its time to move on to the next level or exit. In fact, when is the next level? Some local romeo or juliet I know will say, when it all feels right. They cannot logically explain but state that feeling plays a major part of their decision. Some of them has the planning stages set. They pre-plan their union, child birth, financials and how a lifestyle would be. However, are these the byproduct of civilization? Insurance, bank savings, investments, properties, education, health care, wedding ceremony and so forth. So much of these, but I don't see many Malaysian practise pre-nuptial agreement. Anyway, is civilization a good thing to embrace in our everyday lives? Ok got a little carried away here, let me get back to my blog.

(*2) When a relationship gets to a point where we don't remember how both parties used to feel then we are at a junction to re-evaluate our personal objectives. Sure it was fun and exciting in the first year of relationship. In fact it was damn exciting, taking in account the experience of infidelity. Marriage and wedding that, was loudly announce by mondaybluer, only plays a mere part in legality suddenly becomes a ceremonial tradition symbol to uphold by - mondaybluer! Why the sudden change? Is mondaybluer influence by the mass lot? Or mondaybluer finds no single friend to occupy activity and time to exercise thoughts with ideas.

Immediately reading the first paragraph, I put the blame on myself. I set the wrong expectation and took many (so many become much) decisions. Consequently causing harm or hurt to people near me. I do not deserve the company of such fine people like mondaybluer.

Financially I was -ve and was recovering. It was difficult to stand back on my own two feet to walk not run but just walk. You may never understand if you have been in my shoes. Given such difficulty, my job comes into focus but monthly pay cheque only manage to provide me with enuf to survive monthly. Lucky would be just zero by month end. This in turn ushered me to take on foreign projects in order to earn the extra allowance to brush away debts and allow monthly extra. However with the initial -ve accumulated, the extra only helps to reduce that. Leaving for foreign projects renders mondaybluer alone for weekdays. Complains come not being able to spend time with and so much claims yet no savings. Why? Because of debt to S/C and car. If I am back local, doing local stuff, I may have not enough to remove financial debt I have.
Do extra work as freelancer, that will be very bad because I have to work double hard to earn slightly better than current pay. There is no other way are there? Left right, up down all like stuck!!!

Most of the time during meal times, silence prevails our presence. Mondaybluer will go, you have nothing to say? I will go ask questions and tell stuff that may not be of interest. It gets difficult to actually discuss about work life and the mass lot comes into perspective repeats paragraph (*2). You see how it is connected to one another?

What is there that is missing between us? Did we just forget about our past? Was what we did in the past comes and haunt us in the present? Was it a curse that was behold upon by some individual that has created such outcome?

I guess of all I have said, I will certainly blame my own self for all that I have done because I know its not that easy for mondaybluer to admits own mistakes or even see. Perhaps I maybe wrong, I shall have no right to judge but to pray for mondaybluer to find happiness and as well as see. Perhaps this is what I term as LOVE?

Have we got it?

Have you ever ponder about things we have done and the result of it that made us who we might be but in fact we are not?

Let me put it this way. When I was 9, I drew some really abstract stuff and framed it nicely. At that point in time, I have created something original. Hey I will be an artist someday and what do you know I am not. In fact I have gone a bit better. Using graphical tools very professionally to make fake claim receipts. Not something that I am particularly proud off, just a chinese trade blood I have in forging receipts. Knowing that art has nothing to do with this, but creativity is part of it.

I thought I can be a great computer skilled person. Took on 4 years worth of college and university education to earn me a degree in something that totally forgot by the time I was 22. In turn, I am just adapting to situation wherever I go. Academically I am rusty, but good renumeration. Hence I cannot complain about pay despites all the odds. However, sometimes I wonder are there other souls who are earning more than me and thinks like I am right now?

Two years ago by my stupid decision, I bought a video camera. Wasted my credits on it and never look back since. Experimented on video editing and was able to impress lots of non-techie or people in this field. Hey! I may be a good film editor. Suddent thought that my artistic side is back for me conquer on the world. Sadly, the flame died down. Too tired and financially burden. Didn't work out either.

Sometimes, whenever I see people succeed. It does make me think they might have found it. Yes, the very thing that drives them to success. But do they really get it or they think they have got it and manage to show they have it. We want to be it but just lazy to do anything about it.

I guess its a never ending quest for us to search for something we do best and thats about it.

The bygone technology

I was watching this BBC program about BBC introducing to the public during late 70s on micro-computer. There was even a computer called BBC micro one. It was an acorn computer. The only OS that I have seen that doesn't need to boot up.

Its nice to see what has been bygone but also imagine the journey it took since the primitive command based input to ActiveX Controls.

Therefore, most of the time we take it for granted the complexity of computers as the simplest tool to use, but in fact its not at all that simple.